I have a whole list of news websites that I read most days. A lot of times I find myself finishing an article and thinking, “Well, that was boring but at least if somebody mentions it I’ll know what they are talking about.”

Then I realize that nobody is ever going to mention it. Discussions of world events here are usually limited to, “We should just nuke the entire Middle East“.

US panel punishes anti-war marine
“This is a non-punitive discharge,” Colonel Patrick McCarthy, chief of staff for the mobilisation command, said.

Does anybody really believe it’s a “non-punitive” discharge? Come on! It’s a punishment for something they said he did wrong. P u n i t i ve. And since when does the Marine Corps hunt down Marines who have been discharged?? You know you’re doing something dumb when the freaking VFW tells you to cool it. Speaking of the VFW…I wonder what I did with the membership card they gave me before I boarded the plane to Iraq?

Graying duo keep passenger in check
This story was about a guy who, after all the young dudes cheesed out, enlisted the help of a retired Marine sitting next to him to restrain a whacked-out airline passenger. But the best part was the guy’s wife:

The woman sitting in front of us was very upset and asked me how I could just sit there reading,” Katie Hayden said. “Bob’s been shot at. He’s been stabbed. He’s taken knives away. He knows how to handle those situations. I figured he would go up there and step on somebody’s neck, and that would be the end of it. I knew how that situation would end. I didn’t know how the book would end.”

That’s so awesome I can’t even laugh. I just want to lay on the ground and absorb its awesomeness. Step on somebody’s neck? Didn’t know how the BOOK would end? Hilarious.